Title: Controversial Decisions
Author: KanDo
E-mail: kandonething@hotmail.com
Archive: Alternate Reality, Area52, My site, anyone else? Please ask.
Rating: PG
Pairing: S/J
Date: 09/24/01
Category: angst
Series: Prequel to "Forgive Me"
Website: https://kandocreations.tripod.com/archive.html
** DISCLAIMERS: The characters of Stargate SG-1 are owned by MGM,
Showtime, Double Secret, Gekko and countless others who bring us this
wonderful show. No copyright infringements intended or implied. No
money exchanged hands... It is purely for the entertainment of my
readers. I am simply borrowing the characters for a little while and
promise to return them in the same, if not better, condition that I
found them in. Any original characters/situations are property of
the author and her sleep deprived brain.... **
Notes: Thanks to Lorre for the beta'ing and spurring me to write this.
Summary: First Person POV of a break-up. Again, it's up to you to decide who is speaking.
Pulling into the driveway, I can't wait to see you. Can't wait to see you again, and hold you in my arms once more. Time apart is never easy on us and I try to make it up to you the best I can.
Walking into the house, I feel a tension immediately. It's almost like a living thing, beating at me, assaulting my senses. What has happened since I was last here?
"Hunny? I'm home." Silence greets me as I wander about the downstairs rooms. There's no dinner waiting to be served in the kitchen. The table isn't set, there's nothing to say that you're home, but yet, I can feel you here.
Panic begins to fill my senses at the lack of activity within these walls. "Hello? Is anyone home?"
I call out into the silence as I make my way upstairs to the room we share. The feelings of tension and bitterness continue to assault me, growing stronger with each step.
Stepping into our bedroom, I see all my possessions packed haphazardly into cardboard boxes. "What's going on?" I stall in the door way as she turns to me.
The anger blazing in her eyes burns deep into my soul. I never expected to walk into a minefield in my own home.
"I want you out! Out of my home, out of my life!"
"Wha--"
"I said get out!" Came from her lips as she threw a box full of clothes my direction.
I took a step back to avoid getting hit. "Why?" A look of confusion crossed the my face. "What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing! Everything!" The mounting anger made her shake. "I'm tired of you thinking that you're always right! That you know everything!"
"Please... can't we talk about this? Can't we sit down like adults and discuss this?"
"You're going to bring up being "adult" now? When all you've done is act like a spoiled little brat? Angry at me when I couldn't be there for you?" Taking a deep breath, she clenched her fists. "Take your stuff and that insufferable attitude, and get out of MY house!" She turned her back on me, not willing to look me in the eyes as I tried to comprehend what was happening.
"I don't understand. What did I do?" I took a step closer, hoping to get close enough to her and make her look her look me in the eyes.
"Don't." She spoke in a terse manner. "Don't try thinking that a hug, a kiss, a whatever will make me change my mind!"
I put a hand on her shoulder, only to have her shrug it off a moment later.
"I said don't!"
Gods, she was serious about this... and she wouldn't talk to me. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"There's nothing more to say to you. I want you out and that is final! I'm going for a drive... when I get back, I expect you and all your stuff to be gone!" Grabbing her keys from the dressing table, she stormed out of the house, slamming the front door in her wake.
Tears begin to form and slip silently down my cheeks as I pack all that I've brought here. Knowing that with each item I carefully pack, I am that much closer to leaving. Not of my own free will, but because I have been ordered out of her life.
What had I done wrong? What didn't I do right? Was I too selfish? Did I not show her how much I loved her? Showed her how I loved her despite the dangers of that love? That I loved her despite the fact that if we were discovered, we would be kicked out of the careers we both loved?
Moving to the closet, I look for anything that she missed in her angry cleaning. There next to her dress she wore at the Christmas party, hangs the dress she had bought for me because I hadn't been able to look for a new one. Some thing or another at work had kept me confined to base and unable to shop.
A wrenching sob tore through my being as I took in the torn strap that I hadn't had time to fix. The memories of how that rip came to be there, blinded me.
We had been intoxicated then, from both the liquor and the feel of each other... Anxious to "open" our gifts that Christmas Eve night. She had torn it in her haste to strip me from my clothes, unquenched in her passionate thirst for me. Unwilling to wait any longer to show me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me.
Slipping it from the hanger, I carefully folded the delicate material, my tears flowing unchecked down my cheeks. Slowly, I place it in the last box, and fold its flaps closed over that night. Closing the door to my own heart. Going numb with what I was feeling, I blindly moved the boxes from the floor of the room that was no longer ours, to the trunk of my car.
When the last box is loaded, and the final sweep of the house is done, I stop in your den to write you a letter I hope that you read.
"Dear Love,
"I am sorry for whatever it is that I have done, or didn't do. I never ever meant to hurt you when I told you how much I loved you. I never knew that it was so hard on you when I wasn't here. When work kept us apart from one another.
"I thought that we were meant to be... that we were made to last... That you were the other half of my heart, my being, my very soul...
"Please think about things... Please tell me some day why you think that we're not good together...
"Because when the pain fades from this, perhaps some day, I want to know why you ordered me to go, why you didn't want me in your life any more...
"I will always love you....
"Your Love"
I folded the letter and placed your name upon the envelope... Standing it against the phone on your desk, I take the photo of us that was there. The one taken on the day that we first said I Love You to one another, and didn't fear what the consequences might be.
I will cherish that moment in the sun when we stood hand in hand.... Forever....
